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Science / Education

Breaking News: Semen Makes Depressed Women Feel Better



Semen racing to egg

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Is there anything semen can’t do?

According to a completely scientifically-based and properly-executed study by the University of Albany, semen can help cure women’s depression.

Around 300 different women were asked to fill out anonymous questionnaires covering various aspects of their sexual behavior, including how often they had sex, when they last had sex, and whether or not they used condoms.

The researchers found that of the females having sex, the non-condom users showed fewer symptoms of depression compared to condom users. However, said semen has to come from the act of sex, meaning moody women can’t just go to a sperm bank and fill an Rx.

The sample size is relatively small, but the researchers tried to control for other variables such as the frequency of sexual intercourse, the use of other types of contraceptives (e.g. birth control pills), and relationship status.

Even after factoring in those variables, condom use was still found to have the biggest influence on the likelihood of depressive symptoms.

This study is eye-opening and definitely shouldn’t be shrugged off. Just think of all the men who unknowingly donated their time and… resources to this science project.

Of course, as lead researcher Professor Gordon Gallup points out, these findings shouldn’t be an excuse for unsafe sex. Protecting oneself from an unwanted pregnancy or a sexually transmitted disease is far more important.

For the sake of all the seriously depressed women out there, get tested so that you can continue to do god’s work without any unexpected repercussions.

Also, did you know that semen stimulates the frontal cortex, and the mere act of oral sex shoots your oxytocin levels through the roof and boosts your IQ by 10 points? Don’t take our word for it.

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