Having no one to call family or friend is better than having a single narcissist pretend to be one, yet I am grateful for the narcissists in my life.
I have had to deal with many narcissists in my life, and they nearly tore me apart. In fact, it was only two years ago that I found myself sleeping on the couch of a narcissistic, downright psychopathic mother who was doing everything in her power to destroy me spiritually and emotionally. I struggled to sleep and woke up every day in excruciating pain, unable to turn my neck or even bend my back.
My positive affirmations had subconsciously transformed into hysterical cries for help — loud enough for everyone to hear — and you can bet my abusive narcissistic mother used every bit of it in her smear campaign against me.
These were sleep-deprived days when I would often yell at myself to WAKE UP! Yes, the physical pain was unbearable, but not as much as the emotional turmoil I endured.
Fighting A Losing Battle
I had a roof over my head, but I was homeless. I had a “mother”, a “father”, “brothers”, and “friends”, but I was alone. These were people that, as conventional wisdom would have it, were suppose to be my home team — my sanctuary — but in fact turned out to be the most hazardous, mischievous and untrustworthy characters to ever grace my life.
Yet, I held on and couldn’t let go. I watched as they exploited my empathy, loyalty and honesty, sweeping all signs of their treachery and betrayal under the rug. I watched as my sense of worth was slowly eroded by their words and actions. I watched as my body deteriorated from decades of emotional and spiritual abuse, unable to do anything.
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One after another, a never-ending cascade of toxicity wrapped in human fresh violated my body, mind and spirit. Family, friend, associate… just masks, a facade and nothing else. They were all rabid narcissists.
Their narcissistic abuse was both subtle and flagrant, but I sat back and let it all happen. I was powerless because I gave all my power away, believing that not having any was an easy way to be accepted and protected. And despite never truly following the crowd, I was a people-pleaser who often let others take charge of me and held grudges when they didn’t conform to my noble ideals.
I had equated self-denial — that is, getting less so that others get more — with virtue and suppressed what I didn’t like about myself to achieve a perfect ideal for the world to admire. The result? Extremely low standards in the people I allowed into my life and, consequently, more pain.
I was naive, immature and emotionally unhealthy, a utopia made flesh in a world of chaos. The narcissists in my life rewarded my love, kindness and generosity with abuse.
But do you want to know the unfortunate truth? I would have escaped the nightmare a lot sooner if not for my ego.
My ego kept me anchored to the cycle of abuse — the status quo — and made me unwilling to change. I was an idealist and remained stubbornly idealistic even when the narcissists — their masks had slipped so many times that they were essentially fully exposed — were unabashedly tearing me apart.
I actually thought these demons, specifically those in my “family”, were infallible and capable of unconditional love, going as far as to subjugate myself to them so that they would bestow upon me such love. I was truely, truly naive.
Healing From Pain
But as crazy as it might sound, I have truly learned a lot from these cruel, twisted creatures. The never-ending string of abusive narcissistic relationships and, consequently, my complex post-traumatic stress disorder and adrinal fatigue made me think I was cursed, but I now see that that all of the narcissists in my life were a necessary part of my evolution.
In a talk on how she exposed her narcissist’s smear campaigns, fellow narcissistic survivor and thriver Melanie Tonia Evans touched on an important point that resonated with me so deeply that I can’t help but to paraphrase. Like her, I was left with nothing in the way of family, friends or just people I can trust, and when I began to reluctantly sever ties with my narcissistic abusers after waking up to the truth, there was nowhere else to turn but inwards within myself.
Before my painful awakening, I had been an unhealthy codependent and a powerful magnet for narcissists, sociopaths and other cluster B personalities. Because my feelings and state of being was always tethered to what other people and my life situations dictated, I was incapable of governing my own state of reality and felt powerless as a result.
When I finally turned inside to heal, I could no longer brush the cold hard truth aside, but as I kicked, screamed and ranged at myself for being so blind and stupid, I came to the realization that I had been watched and protected by something or someone far higher than myself ever since my inception, and that these challenges were for the better.
I wasn’t whole and had been living far below my potential. The narcissists in my life were the catalyst that brought this cold, hard fact to my full attention.
When I started healing the horrible trauma, especially with regards to my reactions to their smear campaigns, I uncovered the inherent survival programs that had been running my life and, I believe, were the result of a traumatic childhood.
Shocking fears about being persecuted, punished and judged as bad, wrong or defective — these primal survival programs were so powerful and so entrenched within me that it felt like I would die if I didn’t change other people’s ideas of me.
They had limited me so much from expanding, growing and living my life to the fullest that, after three decades on this planet, the only thing I could see when I looked around was a barren desert. Not only did I have nothing, but I was also stunted maturely.
The survival programs caused me to people-please, made me incapable of saying “no” to virtually anyone that crossed my path, and fooled me into gladly giving away my power so as not to rock the boat. Saying “yes” to my needs and desires was an alien concept.
When I decided to confront and heal these fears inside, I discovered that I didn’t care what anybody else thought about me and no longer felt like I was going to be treated adversely if people didn’t like me.
For the first time ever, I started to feel alive and safe, even as I gradually severed all ties with my immediate family and “friends.” It was a if all the lost jigsaw pieces were finally coming together to complete a 33-year-old puzzle.
The fact that I no longer had a family, friends or support structure didn’t matter — I had finally found my way home, and it was within myself all this time.
After this paradigm shift in the way I viewed my reality, I started to notice myself speaking up more to narcissists and other abusive people, noticing and rectifying my self-limiting beliefs, and feeling comfortable being myself. My complex PTSD was becoming less and less chronic and debilitating, and there was no longer the angst around people judging me as bad or wrong.
Not caring has never felt so good, and I marvel everyday at the miraculous transformation I have undergone after finally mustering the strength to get away from it all.
And to think If it hadn’t been the narcissists in my life bringing me to my knees and shining and bright light on my deepest fears, I would never have begun the process of healing…
Lessons Learned, Thank You
As a gracious soul, I would like to the thank them for their troubles in unintentionally awakening the peaceful warrior within.
For the first time ever, I finally have a place to call home, with a comfortable bed that helps me sleep peacefully. I wake up every morning feeling rejuvenated, without crippling pain in the neck, back, or anywhere else on my body. Thank you.
I go through my days without obsessing over what my narcissistic abusers are up to, the effective smear campaign they have perpetrated, the sick and twisted abuse I let them get away with, and the regret for consoling in them. Thank you.
Slowly but surely, the psychological and emotional corrosion left by every single narcissist in my life is being removed, and I am feeling healthier as a result.
My eyes have been opened to the realities of this world, not just with regards with narcissism and other cluster B personality disorders but also to other social ills impeding people like me all around the world. Thank you.
I now understand that getting less so that others get more is a rationale for lack of satisfaction. Thank you.
I no longer feel ashamed of loving myself and putting myself first when the situation calls for it. Thank you.
In fact, I now understand that I have to make self-love and self-care my number one priority. And that’s because, in order to help create a better world in the best way possible, I must survive as a healthy individual first. Thank you, my narcissists, for helping me realize that.
Not only am I finally speaking my truth and honoring my voice, but I also have a newfound appreciation and respect for the power of the word “NO!” I speak out and stand my ground without feeling fearful or anxious. Thank you.
I now give myself a chance for a small success everyday and no longer postpone the little things I dread doing. Thank you.
I am now giving my oft-neglected mind, body and soul the love and attention they have so long craved, nourishing them with the right foods, thoughts, ideas, environments, people, suggestions and energies. I have been blessed with a pristine and powerful temple, and I am committed to keeping it that way. Thank you.
I now accept, embrace and utilize my numerous talents and strengths without feeling guilty or non-deserving. Thank you.
Because of the narcissists in my life, I now know the true meaning of love and respect and feel deserving of both. Thank you.
I now have a solid set of boundaries and deal-breakers that makes me toxic to toxic people, attracting to me authentic, high-quality, morally-sound, honorable and trustworthy individuals like myself. Thank you.
Enduring and surviving narcissistic abuse is both a testament to my resounding strength of character and will to survive and proof that I have always been protected, guided and blessed by a higher power. Thank you.
With clarity of mind, I am finally able to properly assess my life situation and make the necessary changes needed to get back on the road to achieving my dreams and realizing my vision of a fulfilling life. Thank you.
Instead of reacting, I now respond to life’s challenges and willingly learn from them. I now understand that life is happening through me and not to me. Thank you.
Thank you, narcissists, for your many lessons. Because of you, I was able to see my ego and pride for the destructive effects they’ve had on my life, allowing me to kill my false self so as to free my authentic self.
I Win, They Lose
While I wouldn’t wish abuse on anyone, I can’t deny that having so many narcissists in my life has made me a stronger, more enlightened, more understanding and even more loving person. Without experiencing the major trauma caused by their narcissistic abuse, I would still be trapped in the matrix of abuse, deceit and evil that is increasingly engulfing our world.
The narcissists unwittingly forced me to get my act together and led me to search for something far greater than I could have ever imagined. By turning everyone against me, they forced me to go within and confront my deepest fears, putting me on the road to enlightenment and bringing me in touch with my higher self.
These cruel and callous people tried to mold me into their servant — a punching bag — but they failed. They tried to break me permanently, but they failed. They tried to kill me emotionally and spiritually, but they failed.
What they didn’t realize was that by trying to take me down, they inadvertently helped me get to my core issues faster, issues that urgently needed to be addressed in order for me to live the life I was meant to live.
In the end, I was too strong for them, my inextinguishable flame shining so bright and blindingly as to force them to retreat. In the end, I came out the winner.
To all the narcissists in my life, you watched me as I fell, trampled men when I was down. Now watch me rise.
Having even just one narcissist in your life is not good for the mind, body and soul. If you’re inundated with toxic people, know that they’re there for a reason. They’re damaged goods that cannot be fixed, but you’re not.
Kick them out of your life and see their abuse as an opportunity to go within yourself and heal the childhood trauma that led you to attract them in the first place. Not doing so will get you more of the same people and more of the same suffering.
Because life is too short to needlessly waste on those who want nothing but your servitude, and you’ve been through enough already. Isn’t it about time you ended the vicious cycle of abuse and started living the happy and fulfilling life you were meant to live?