I don’t know about you guys but my farts are deadly as hell, and I often contemplate taking extreme measures to hide the smell after accidently letting one loose. The lactose intolerant guy in this story not only turned his environment into a biohazard, but also injured himself after trying to hide the deadly smell of his fart from his girlfriend.
He explains how it all went down:
I was home alone today. My girlfriend had gone out to lunch with her friends and I thought I’d surprise her by cleaning the house whilst she was away. Who knows? It could have led to some grateful sexy times. At it turns out though, this was never to be.
Sexy time was over before it even began? Go figure…
Before I started, I spotted some brie in the fridge. It wasn’t long into vacuuming that I started feeling churning. I farted a few times (relatively mildly), before an epiphany hit me: why don’t I vacuum away my farts? The smell will be contained inside the bag and potential embarrassment in the future may be avoided. Without further ado, to maximise absorption, I undid my pants the next time I felt another gas wave hit me.
He just had to have that Brie, but why set the vacuum to maximum power?
So began the biggest mistake of recent memory. It turns out that between the negative pressure of a vacuum and the positive pressure of a fart, that the effect was stronger than anticipated. As the fart arrived, the gas was rapidly absorbed into the vacuum tube – along with the end segment of my large intestine.
Well, duh! Who vacuums their fart on maximum power?
Unsurprisingly, this hurt a fucking lot. I immediately turned off the vacuum and tried to push my sphincter back inside my ass – turns out that doesn’t work, and it also hurts a fucking lot too. Not long after, my girlfriend arrives home. I avoid explaining why I’m in the bathroom for a while, but eventually I come clean. She laughed way too much before realizing shit was serious.
He had to be taken to the hospital for surgery to reconstruct his ass! He’s lucky shit didn’t hit the fan.
Seriously, can any of you imagine pulling your intestines out of your butt? Just stay away from that vacuum…